


Sodding Randy Git

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Fluff, Post-War, Romance, The Quidditch Pitch: Eternity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-05
Updated: 2008-01-05
Packaged: 2018-10-26 14:17:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10788408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Ron attempts to buy and wrap a gift for Hermione that will show her just how much she means to him nothing really goes as planned





	Sodding Randy Git

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

Ron Apparated to the back garden of his and Hermione’s small cottage.  Most would consider the home on the small side but with them only being married 2 years they didn’t need much room yet and the cost was also conveniently small.  He let himself in and tried to shake the snow off his robes and hit his boots with a drying charm at the same time. Ron then made his way to the lounge to try to warm himself by the fire.

  

Just as he reached the hall by the lounge he heard Ginny’s laughter.  “Well he is a randy git isn’t he?” she said before falling into a fit of giggles.

 

Ron stopped short.  He didn’t know if he wanted to know more about what his best mate’s wife thought of his best mate.  Until his heard his own wife’s voice.

 

“Well it’s not really like that, sure every gift giving occasion he gives me something in a tiny little box from Fiona’s Foundations for Witches but he is also loving and caring.” 

 

“My brother caring? loving?” Ginny said with a voice full of shock and added, “I bet that he gives you a fully wrapped empty box and says ‘here put this on,’” doing a good impression of Ron before falling into a fit of giggles again. 

 

Ron was shocked. Was this what Hermione thought of him, did she really believe that he only wanted… he would never ever give Hermione an empty box. Yeah he liked to see Hermione in the things he got from Fiona’s but an empty box?? No never.

 

Hermione huffed and said, “he would never do that Ginny.” 

 

Ginny sobered slightly, “No I guess he wouldn’t, but really what does he get just for you?” 

 

Hermione smiled and blushed. And both Hermione and Ginny dissolved in fits of laughter.

 

Ron didn’t move. He couldn’t. What did he get Hermione that was just for her? What could he get her for Christmas that was just for her, that would prove that he was not just some sodding randy git? It was only two days before Christmas.  No! He corrected himself it was really one day before since it was already 5:30pm and the day was in fact over for shopping.  Not knowing what else to do, he made his presence known and walked fully into the lounge. 

 

“Ron you’re here.” Hermione said from the sofa where she was sitting next to Ginny.

 

“Well I do live here last I checked,” Ron said, as he bent down to give her a kiss hello. 

 

“Well if Ron’s home I bet Harry is back at our house. I should be going before he thinks I left him or something,” Ginny said, as she stood then walked towards the fireplace, grabbed a handful of Floo powder and yelled, “the Potter’s,” nothing happened. She grabbed a second handful and huffed, “the Savior Git’s.”

 

The last sight of Ginny was of her sticking out her tongue before the green flames engulfed her. Ron just snickered. 

 

“So what were you talking to Ginny about?” Ron asked.

 

“Oh nothing really, She really just Floo-called to see when we were going to be at the Burrow and just came through because I was home early from work and not doing anything,” Hermione explained.

 

Ron flopped down on the sofa where Ginny had just vacated. Hermione put her head on his shoulder almost as soon as he sat down. Most of the time this simple gesture would make him look forward to time alone with Hermione, but now he thought it just proved that he was a sodding randy git.

 

The next day Ron found himself sipping his tea bright and early in the freezing cold outside Flourish and Blotts with a handful of other wizards waiting for it to open.  Ron briefly wondered if the others had a better reason for waiting until the last moment. When they occasionally made eye contact they would smirk and shrug as if to say _yeah I buggered it up, too._  

 

Being the trained Auror he was, Ron forced himself to focus completely on the mission at hand.  He only had one day to find a book for Hermione. This book would have to show her that he  understood her and loved her. It was a tall order for a book to fill. But Ron was determined to find the perfect book for his wife. He had to focus; he had to be of one mind. He schooled his features and put on his ‘mission face.’  Had Ron not been concentrating so hard he might have noticed the other wizards in line take a few paces back and chat amongst themselves.  

 

Ron made eye-contact with the clerk as he opened the doors for the last shopping day before Christmas. The clerk got the door opened quickly and got out of his way, allowing Ron to get on with the mission. But Ron wavered a bit as he stood in the center of the store unsure of where to start. Hermione had so many different sides, she liked history, she liked cutting edge magic, she was sexy, and she was kind. Where did they keep the ‘everything’ books, Ron wondered.  

 

“Can I help you?” the clerk asked.

 

Ron mumbled a faint “no” and decided to start in novels and poetry.  

 

Two hours later, Ron had a few books that he wanted to sit with and decide on. He had one poetry, _Love Verses for Your Love_ , one history, _The Most Powerful Witches in History_ , and one from the relationship section, _Magical Loving_ , he even had one on experimental new spells, _Transfiguring without the Figure_ , he also had a book on Quidditch, to clean his palate so to speak, between books. 

 

He started with the poetry book. Seated at a table in the back of the store, he grabbed the book from the stack. As he opened the book, a small purple cloud formed over his head showering him with pink and white confetti in the shape of hearts and doves. “Bloody hell!” Ron shouted, as he brushed the offending bits off him; the open book was playing soft music that was getting louder as he brushed himself clean. 

 

Ron slammed the book closed. _I don’t think so_ , thought Ron, _who in the name of Merlin’s smelly laundry wants to clean up confetti every time they read the bleeding book._ Ron eyed the Quidditch book next, but he did want to get done some time today. 

 

He picked up _Magical Loving_ , next. With much more trepidation he opened the book. He was met with the sound of…well, magical loving. The mumbled phrases, moans and sound of lips on various body parts coming from the book were too soft to be heard beyond the table Ron had commandeered. Not that he cared.

 

“Bloody hell,” Ron whispered as he began to look at the pictures in the book. 

 

Right on page ten was a picture of a bloke laying on a bed doing just what Ron himself had done many times. The bloke in the picture looked to be enjoying himself and Ron flipped the page to give him some privacy. The next picture on page eleven stopped him dead in his tracks. No, _bloody hell_ issued forth as Ron was truly mesmerized by the picture of the witch doing the same thing only in a female-like fashion. 

 

Ten full minutes later Ron was still staring at the picture and the witch was smiling, satisfied.  Ron finally snapped out of it and shut the book.  _Well that book won’t prove that I am not a randy git but I have to show that to Harry,_  Ron thought. He put the book on the chair next to him, then pushed the chair in. No point in advertising that he was a git.

 

Once again he eyed the Quidditch book, but didn’t feel like that last book was taxing enough to warrant him needing a break, a cold shower maybe, but not a break. He grabbed the copy of _The Most Powerful Witches in History_. “I always hated history of magic,” Ron mumbled. 

 

An hour and half later, Ron was just getting to the middle of the book. It was fascinating. It was full of women just like Hermione. They were powerful, fought great battles, and broke lovers out of dungeons.  They HAD lovers and great love affairs.  They also set moral codes and saved whole legions. With this book he would be able to show Hermione what he thought she was like. Yes this was the book! _If_ Hogwarts: a History _was this good,_ thought Ron, _I might just read it._

 

Ron looked at the last book he was considering for Hermione _Transfiguring without the Figure_. He had no ideal what the title might actually mean which he took as a good sign that Hermione would be impressed with it. He flipped it over to just look at the back. The author looked like a disgruntled old professor.  

 

When Ron tried to open it the author’s picture on the back of the book asked if he had read any of his other works. 

 

“Er, no,” Ron replied. 

 

“Well what other transfiguring books have you read then?” 

 

“None.” 

 

“Well what makes you think that you will even understand this book, dear boy?”

 

“Well it’s really a gift for someone,” Ron replied to the cheeky photo.

 

“Oh then does this person have interests in transfiguration?” asked the book.

 

“Yes she does, she’s my wife,” Ron said with increasing irritation.

 

“That seems odd to me. Why would such a cleaver witch marry you?” responded the book. 

 

“Oi, look here you,” Ron said, then stopped abruptly, as he suddenly realized he was getting into a row with a book. 

 

Ron smiled at the silliness of it all. “Well I’ll be seeing you. Oh wait, no I won’t… because you can’t leave!” Ron chuckled, picked up _The Most Powerful Witches in History_ and started to make his way to the front of the store. He was almost to the register when he remembered the ‘other’ book. He rushed back to pick it up off the chair. He didn’t pass up the opportunity to give the transfiguration book a knock; sending all the professor’s papers cascading to the floor.

 

Ron was slightly grumpy as he left the book store. Fiona’s Foundations for Witches, where he usually got Hermione’s gifts, always wrapped everything for no extra cost in that sparkly pretty paper that so captured the way his heart felt when he thought about his wife. Not only did Flourish and Blotts charge twice as much as he was expecting; they didn’t wrap it for him. He’d been forced to spend his lunch gold and he still had to find paper and wrap it.  On top of that he was really starving. 

 

Being that he was on Diagon Alley, he decided to walk over and see George at Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes and see if they had any wrapping paper left and maybe nick a sandwich or something. 

 

He was a little surprised the door was locked with so many last minute shoppers about.  

 

He banged loudly on the door and a slightly drunk Lee Jordan let him in. Ron gasped as he looked about. All the shelves, every last one, were empty. George was sitting on one of the empty shelves, drinking. “What happened?!” Ron exclaimed. 

 

“We sold the lot, all of it. All in all, I would say a very good year!”

 

“Well, Cheers then mate,” Ron said shaking Lee’s hand as he stared around in awe. 

 

“So ickle Ronnie here have a drink and celebrate with us,” said George.

 

Ron _Accioed_ the shot of the Firewhisky that George had just poured for him. 

 

“So I guess that means you don’t have wrapping paper left?” Ron asked.

 

“Well, I do have one roll of re-wrap wrapping paper. It makes gifts that are not 100% new, look new right after opening them, but once the wrapping paper is more than five feet away from the gift it will look the same. So ya’ cheap git, do’ya need it?” 

 

“No, I got Hermione a _new_ gift.”

 

“Why didn’t you get it wrapped at Fiona’s?”

 

“I didn’t get it at Fiona’s ya smart arse. You couldn’t have sold out of that paper where the receiver has to come back to you to have you spell-open their gift, did you?” Ron asked.

 

“You mean the, _Wrap It Up Tight_ wrapping paper?” Lee asked. 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“We sold it all! Can you believe it? Now your prat of a brother is thinking of opening up the shop on Christmas day to get the gold for opening up people gifts for them,” Lee said. 

“Business is business Lee, besides at part owner you would get a cut of that,” George said.

 

“I can think of better things we can do with our time on Christmas than opening other people’s gifts, like you know, opening our own gifts!” 

 

“You think too small Jordan,” George said.

 

“So do you have any food around?” Ron asked.

 

“NO! Your brother even sold our sodding lunches!” a very exasperated Lee said. 

 

“George, have you gone mental?!” Ron said disgusted at the idea of selling one’s - or worse yet - someone else’s lunch. 

 

“No Ronnykins, not mental, shrewd. A woman who was shopping for her kids said she was hungry and going to go to the Leaky for lunch. I told her she could have my lunch for half of what they charge at the Leaky, she agreed to buy it, and the woman standing next to her offered me more for it so I sold her Jordan’s lunch,” George said with a shrug, as if it was normal to sell people’s lunches. 

 

As starving as Ron was he didn’t see this as shrewd, he saw selling other people’s lunches as cruel, on the level of the _Cruciatus Curse_. Shaking his head Ron asked, “Can I use your Floo? Or did you sell the Floo powder too?”

 

“Ron you can get Floo powder at the shop next door, so no one asked us for it,” George answered back as he poured himself another drink.

 

Still shaking his head in disgust, Ron knelt down in front of the fire place and made a Floo-call to Harry, “Harry, HARRY, HARRRRRY, ARE YOU HOME!?” 

 

Ron saw feet run towards the Floo and seconds later he saw Harry’s face. Ron! I am here what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing is really wrong, I’m a bit hungry, but other than that I am fine, can I Floo over?”

 

“Yes Ron,” Harry sighed. 

 

Ron stood, said his goodbyes to Lee and George and assured them that he would see them both at the Burrow the next day.  Ron got a handful of Floo powder, stepped into the fire and yelled, “The Potter’s.” 

 

Harry was waiting for him by the Floo, “You know you almost gave me a heart attack.” 

 

“You really need to lighten up Harry.”  

 

“No Ron, you need to not sound frantic every time you Floo-call.”

 

“But you answer right away when I do that. So, do have anything to eat around here?”

 

“Nope, I only have the other half of my sandwich. It seems that everything else in the house has been deemed, ‘For Christmas’ by Ginny.”

 

“Is it on the table?” Ron said, as he walked over to the kitchen.

 

“Yes Ron, it’s on the table and I’m really fine with you eating the other half of it. By the way, would you like a butter beer as well?”

 

“Yeah, that would be great. Blah, it’s corn beef,” Ron said.

 

“I am terribly sorry that you don’t like the sandwich I made for MYSELF.” Harry said handing Ron a butter beer. 

 

“It’s okay Harry; it’s not your fault.” 

 

Harry hit Ron on the side of his head and Ron laughed.

 

“So do you have any wrapping paper left? I got a gift I need to wrap for Hermione.” 

 

“All I have left is one roll of Muggle paper I used for your Dad’s gift.” 

 

Ron sighed, “Muggle paper it is then.” 

\

“Why didn’t you just have Fiona’s wrap it for you?” asked Harry.

 

“I didn’t get it at Fiona’s.” 

 

“Really? Where’d you get it?” Harry asked, handing Ron the roll of wrapping paper.

 

“I got it at Flourish and Blotts. What did you do Harry, look for the ugliest paper you could find? What are they?” 

 

“They are what Muggles think elves look like; the ones in red are girls and the ones in green are boys. You got her a book? That’s not a very romantic gift, Ron.”

 

“This book is,” Ron said, as he pulled both books and his wand out of his pocket and engorged the books. Ron showed the history book to Harry. “She is just like all the witches in this book and more!” 

 

“You know what? This gift might just work for Hermione,” Harry said, as he handed the book back to Ron. Ron just grinned. He flipped open to the first page and used the quill and ink on the desk to write a short inscription to Hermione. He used his wand to cut the paper and wrap the gift.

 

“Well with your ugly paper it doesn’t look like much,” Ron sighed. Then he charmed the elves to twitch in a dance-like fashion.  “I think that helped.”

 

“What’s this other book?” Harry asked.

 

“Oh that, you have to see that!” Ron said.

 

Harry opened the book and gasped. “Ron, Ron you found it, this is wizard porn!”

 

“Porn? It’s just a sexy book.” 

 

“Yes. Muggles call this porn or pornography to be precise.” Harry said, gazing at page fifteen. Harry laid out the book on the desk and pulled a chair over next to Ron, and began flipping pages.

 

“Look two blokes together!” Ron said with a mixture of shock and confusion.

He turned to look at Harry expecting a similar reaction, but Harry had the biggest smile on his face. 

 

“Er Harry?” asked Ron with a very confused look on his face.

 

“Do you know what that must mean?” Harry said as he flipped back a few pages and on page 300 found two witches. Naked. Doing things. With each other. 

 

“Bloody hell,” whispered Ron, and for the next 30 minutes the only sound was breathing and the rustle of robes as each wizard crossed and re-crossed their legs a few times. They would have stayed longer if not for the loud crack of Kreacher appearing in the room. Both Ron and Harry quickly shut the book and put Hermione’s gift over it. 

 

“Kreacher you scared me,” said Harry.

 

“Sorry, Hogwarts didn’t have any students staying, so I am here.” 

 

“Oi, Kreacher do you think you could go back to Hogwarts and nick us a meat pie or two?” Ron asked.

 

In an instant Kreacher was back with not only meat pies but treacle tart as well. The book was forgotten in the ensuring mad feast of Hogwarts’ leftovers. 

 

Finally, an hour later, Ron felt it was time to get to his cottage and hide his gifts for the next morning. “Well mate I need to get back home, we’ll see you at the Burrow tomorrow, yeah?” 

 

“Yeah we will be there; I don’t think we will be early. I think Ginny is going to be tired out from helping your Mum all day,” Harry said.

 

“Yeah okay mate, we’ll be late as well because…” 

 

“Yeah we all know why you’ll be late, you randy git.” 

 

Ron replied with his right hand. 

 

Ron went over to retrieve his gift from the table. “Harry, what in the name of Merlin’s saggy left nut are those Muggle elves doing?!” 

 

Harry joined Ron and stared in shock. “Well this one here appears to be doing page ten while looking at those two doing page one hundred. They must have learned it from the book they were sitting on.” Harry snickered and Ron got angrier and angrier yelling at the charmed Muggle elves on the wrapping paper to stop and have some decency. 

 

“What am I going to do? This is not going to prove to Hermione that I’m not just some sodding randy git.”

 

“You have hours before she sees the gift, maybe by that time the elves would have tired themselves out, they might be sleeping by then.”

 

“Yeah, or with my luck, they would be having a second go. Just look at them, what am I going to do?”

 

“I don’t want to look, it’s not a pretty picture, just give her the book. If I know Hermione she would see giving you a lecture about charming Muggle things as an extra gift.”

 

“I am leaving the other book with you. I don’t even want to look at it right now.”

 

“We’ll keep it for you.” 

 

Ron Apparated home.

 

The sun was shining through the bedroom windows the next morning and both Ron and Hermione had a few gifts at the foot of the bed. Hermione opened the two from Fiona’s first and promised to put them on that night. Ron then opened a pair of Quidditch tickets for whatever team made it to the cup. Next Hermione picked up the book wrapped in the charmed Muggle paper. 

 

“Ron why are there naked, sleeping Muggle elves on the wrapping paper?” Hermione asked as she picked up the package. A few of the dosing elves gave her a two finger salute as the jostling disturbed them. “They’re rude too!”

 

Ron sighed, “Hermione, I really tried to get a gift that would show you just how amazing I saw you as; but I am just a sodding randy git and can’t really do anything right. I also got this sexy book. It taught the elves to be randy gits, too. Please don’t look at the wrapping paper, just open it.” The plea in Ron’s voice was moving and Hermione did as she was told.

 

She shrieked as the book was revealed. “Ron this was written by the same wizard who wrote _Hogwarts: a History_ I know I am going to love it. Thank you so much!” 

 

“Hermione read the inscription,” said a very excited and relieved Ron.

 

Hermione was quiet as she read, but tears were flowing down her cheeks. “Oh Ron, YOU make me feel beautiful because you want me so much, YOU make me want to be a better witch because you are more excited at my accomplishments than I am. If you weren’t so randy I would be just plain boring bookish Hermione, YOU are what makes me feel so alive, and daring.” 

 

Ron was speechless.

 

“Here, open this.” 

 

Ron gasped, “Hermione, how did you know?” 

 

“I didn’t. I just wanted to give a gift to the special part of you that makes me feel special.”

 

In Ron hands was a copy of _Magical Loving_. He flipped to page fifteen and gasped again, there looking back at him was not the model witch of his copy, but Hermione herself. Hermione did a great deal more blushing than the model and she kept trying to hide her face, but to Ron it was the sexiest thing he had ever seen. 

 

“Hermione,” Ron said in a husky voice.

 

“I thought we could charm the male pictures to look and act like you.” 

 

“You want to see me do that?” Ron said pointing to page ten.

 

“Very much so,” said Hermione blushing quite red.

 

The next moment all thoughts of gifts and books were pushed aside. They were the last to show up to the Burrow for Christmas lunch. 

 

 


End file.
